Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
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Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
This could be us but you eatin’
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.