Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Year 2090]

A teenager unwraps a birthday present

“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”

Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.

BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.

If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.

me: ted is coming over tonight

wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over

me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird

I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing

who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes

“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”

– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers

Me: inside me there are two wolves

Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??

Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.

Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.

You know I’m something of a chef myself

Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.

Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!

Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!

Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒

Her: What’s for dinner?

Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….

DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting

[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager

[Antarctic Courtroom]

Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”

Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”

Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”

Walrus: “No. I…”

*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice

Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.

Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump

My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”

I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”

“i’ll be back”

–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume

4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.

Me: How do you know?

4: I licked it.

PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part

become ungovernable

I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.