I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
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“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire