You know I’m something of a chef myself
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Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.