WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
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Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
a badder mouse
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.