a badder mouse
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Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
it must be school picture day
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year