A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
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My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Yoga Matt
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
How does one answer this?
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.