The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
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Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Blew my mind.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday