Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
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So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”