Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
You Might Also Like
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
WHY?!
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
How is it still this week?
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there