It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
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God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Grandmother clock.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Am I having a stroke?
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Put a ring on it
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.