Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
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I’m half potato on my dad’s side
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
😂😂
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me