Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
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When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.