Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
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You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
necessity is the mother of invention
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…