My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
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Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Need this in my life lol
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow