My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
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Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich