Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
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Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
one of
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!