Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
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The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Wednesday
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
August 8
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.