My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
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Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.