Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
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twitter is a journey
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos