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me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
So that’s what we looked like?
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.