Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
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I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
This was the best day of my life
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.