My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
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I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Sending in my taxes
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.