Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
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Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
what does he know…