Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
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Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”