I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life
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my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
That earthquake could have been an email.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace