I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
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Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?