I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
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American Horror Story: Public Restroom
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing