When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
You Might Also Like
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.