Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
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This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
I’ve been drinking.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any