The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
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[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Not messing around
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!