How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
You Might Also Like
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
#damn
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.