In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
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So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.