In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.

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“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.


If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.


My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.


FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to


No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.


It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*


[at oceanside seafood restaurant]

Me: Is the fish fresh here?

Waiter: Yes

*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*


I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them


ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses