[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
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Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.