I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
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Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN