I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
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Who’s drunk
*raises leg
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
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[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.