Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: iced latte please

barista: what type of milk?

me: spaghetti

[1st date]

HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season

ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees

I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.

When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.

I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?

Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?

Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.

Wife: okay no.

I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”

Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.

True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.

Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.

Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!

Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.

If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.

📸: @blessingmanifesting

#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth

Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.

One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for

Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.

Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…

Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!

Genie:

Me:

Genie:

Me: Shit.

What I say: Maybe.

What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.

FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction

Me: I swear, I was not abducted

From basement: *inhuman screeches*

Agent: What was that

Me: My excessively human child

You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both

You know what sucks about Karaoke?

Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna

Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.

jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again

i mean good morning

ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon

I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.

What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.

[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”

*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL

You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…

They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?

A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.