Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?

the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing

I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.

Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire

Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?

People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.

My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.

Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity

[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible

[bedtime]

DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.

ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.

DAUGHTER: …

ME: Night, sweetheart.

4: When will I stop growing?

Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.

4: But you still grow.

Me: No I don’t.

4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.

Me:

Wife: What did I ask you to do?

Me: Love you forever?

W:

M: Kill a man to defend you honor?

W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER

I was getting there.

This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen

Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.

Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa da

Daughter:

Me: shit

Daughter: shit

It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.

I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.

4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?

Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.

4: Don’t you want to taste them first?

The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list

I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.

[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?

You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…

[surprising my bf at work]

Me: Hey you *wink*

Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave

For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.

A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?

Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.

[holding a séance]

“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”

[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”

America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!