The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
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Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
monday
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So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…