I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
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If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old