Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
You Might Also Like
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
ok this is my dumbest yet
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Beware…..
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.