I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
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I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr