RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
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*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Sponch
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift