Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
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Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through