confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
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Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media