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“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.