this chia pet tastes awful
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the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road