My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
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They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.