A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
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Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now