Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
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ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.