Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
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Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
hmm conte-me mais
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Is fake venison called venisn’t
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.