Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
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Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.