Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.

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Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then


KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal

Me: Family?


Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.


Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.


Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.


“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz


[God making spaghetti]

ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?

GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.


If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.


I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.