ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
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Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.