Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
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When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters