Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
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Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*