I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
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[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
(by @ZachWeiner )
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Dammit Chief not again
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.