Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
![]()
You Might Also Like
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
![]()
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Science is fun!
#nottrue
![]()
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
you stereotypes are all alike
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.