Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?

ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.

If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.

how to have fun when you’re poor

3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*

Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*

3: THAT WAS MINE!

You can’t make this shit up 😩

(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)

7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch

me: that’s wonderful

7: except the things I don’t like

me: there it is.

Everybody just wants to get off…

….This elevator because that guy stinks

crochet youtube is brutal

You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough

ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously

My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium

You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid

Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks

*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”

Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.

Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )

Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”

Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”

“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”

* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math

I’ve had relationships like this

Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.

Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns

When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID

Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks

Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.

Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.

Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it

An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth

~ realistic wedding vows

The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.

Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”

[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car

My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.

no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.