Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
You Might Also Like
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet